Reflection

I've been reading my previous posts and though they are not that many i haven't posted regularly, it's nice to know how i feel on that certain time. I've read my first post which Reylit has commented and i just realized that until now, i'm still stuck in that relationship!!!!! If that's what i call it. I, too, haven't had a bone to get out. I'm already turning 33 next Thursday and still when someone asked me, "how are you?" I always say, "it's still the same." Indeed! It's still the same. The same relationship, the same work, though i've upgraded a bit. Hehe! I'm now working more closely to the bossess although it's quite tough but i'm getting along with them. But then, aside from my duties at work, my car, my home, everything is still the same. I'm striving hard to find the right man for me. He didn't have to be handsome or rich but i just wanted him to love me and accept me for who i am. Though, hypocrisy aside, i'm also taking into consideration if he would be able to provide for me and not vice versa. :) I'm earning good right now enough to provide for my family and some vices of course but i save a lot for rainy days. :) Just heard that Albay has been under Alert Level 2 for Tsunami after Japan. I hope it would not happen.

Mortgage

Just arrived from Yaba's house. I'm with my officemate to assess a portion of his property 'coz he wanted to mortgage it to our office. The value of the given property did not suffice the amount we aim to mortgage the property. Have to talk to Mom instead if she would allow the rest of the property to be mortgaged. Of course, as expected, Mom didn't approve. She wanted for yaba to talk to his other siblings. I saw his face and it turned red and then blank. I know i have somehow placed him on the spot and he would not want us to hear what Mom has to say about what we planned in the improvement of his property as a cause of the mortgage. He looked away and i could see that he would not have wanted to hear what Mom and my officemate are talking about. He just somehow smiled and looked at me signaling that it would be best if we would just go out. I was devastated for him 'coz he meant no harm about it. But the years we are asking for the mortgage to be paid is quite long. I know that if ever that mortgage will be pushed through, he'll be tied to me no matter what. I will have to hold the documents until it was redeemed.

On the way out before i entered the car, i asked him if he'd come tonight. And he said, no. Not yet. The situation is not yet ok so it would be best if he would not come. Although i expected it but it hurts for me to know that despite of all the things i've done to him and all the things i've been through, he still doesn't have the strength to fight for me. As if he always knew that i'll always be there and he can come and go as he pleases. He knew that i'll always wait in the background. I was beginning to be pissed off. If i can just ask God to let me forget about him this instant, i will. But instead, sill as it may seem, i'm still clinging to him to whatever hope there is for us. I hope and pray that time will come soon for him to be a man and decide for us.

Dream come true

Follow up on my post last March 2009. I have my own house and car now. I'll try to post some pics. "The Secret" really works! I'm now focusing on my future family...hopefully a great family and career. I only wish for someone to love me and accept me for who i am. I'm planning to go back to school to take law. I know i'll pass. I also know that i'll be married and have kids by then. :) Of course, yaba will be my hubby. :)

Birthday

It's his birthday today. Kinda fuzzy about it 'coz we have the usual problems again. I don't know if this is really the turning point or not. I've been wondering how he feels about me and the other. It seemed to me that he loves her too but then, i know he also do the same for me. It was quite a situation. The Gospel last sunday says" you cannot serve two masters at a time". It's either you'll love or despise the other or either you'll both love each other but then neglect the other. Huh! I know. I've been there. It really is difficult and at times mind blowing. I still cling to him. Even though i know that we are hurting someone in the process but it's all part of life. We live to survive. I don't intent for someone to be hurt though. I just realized last night the reason why he can't leave him, i think. She has an ailment and i think it would jeopardize her health if he leave her. I am not that certain though if that's the case.

I went to his house just now and we were supposed to talk about the things that are happening around us. We haven't got the chance to talk 'coz we obviously didn't know where to start. It just ended with a kiss and he says that he's the only one with the problem. I don't have any problems to worry about. He says we'll talk about it some other time but till then, he'll stay the same. I don't know if he really love the other, he also clings to what we have and furthermore, asked me to do what i usually did for him even if the other already knew about it. Huh! It's kinda rough and tough but i have a huge hope that we will be together for the rest of our lives and that we'll get through this together. I am not mean. I don't intend to hurt anybody. I just happen to be in love and fighting for what life i may have with him.