Blurr

As what my blog name says, it's blurr mind. We'll its really been a blurr. i'm kinda messed up today. I don't know how to straighten things up. Sometimes, it's too bad when you do things the rational way..not by feeling it. Got messed up with my bf 'coz i've been bugging him last night.

It's not just that. I'm in a wrong relationship and i know that it won't be right. Everything is a blurr since i don't know what i'll do with my messed up life.

Let me get to the issues one by one. I'm 30 with a good job but i don't think i'll grow here. It is quite a hard job that whenever i am about to fill up any personal data form, i don't know what i'll write in my job description. It sucks and it's already a blurr!!!!

Then, at my age, i'm still single and i have a mom who's sick and a brother who just met an accident and can't work! In other words, i'm the one who's providing them with their needs! I don't earn that much to finance all their needs. I also have grandparents and aunts who continuously come to our house to lend some money. It's hard refusing them all the time especially if their in need. Not to mention my younger brother who has a family now but is still studying. He has a baby and i'm the one financing his studies...of course, i also give some to his family's needs. Hmmm...

I also am suffering from endometriosis. I've undergone operation last July 2007 and is still having symptoms of the illness. My doc says that i should have a baby at this point but it's hard for me. I really wanted one. Selfishly aside, i know that when i have a family of my own, everything will be better. Maybe, my mom and my brother will strive too for themselves, my grandparents and aunts will somehow stop bugging me and my younger brother will have a bone to start living his family on his own. Most importantly, i've been in a blurr because of wrong relationships...

At 30, i had a bf who's separated, have a kid and a gf aside from me. At first, i agreed on the relationship because i was broken hearted from my last relationship and i think it's will be ok if i stayed with him as long as there's "no strings attached". I was so destressed and numb at that time. At first, i thought that our relationship will last for only 3months. But it's more than two years now... and the situation is still the same. Maybe through the years, i've learned to love him. I don't know what's wrong with me since i decided to enter and stay in this kind of relationship. Another thing is... a married man wants to have an affair with me. He's rich, he says he loves me for so many years he's been with me. I don't want that affair! At times, i feel that i'm just pretending things that's happening around me.

So you see, everything in my life as of this period is a blurr! It's a criss cross situation with a criss cross emotions and with a ****ing Life!

I've decided to have this blog 'coz i wanted to unload some things that i can't tell anyone and it would be hard for me to comprehend if i'd just sit and think of it. I know writing is a good way to release emotions...especially those neg ones.

Also, maybe through blogging, i'd be able to find someone who would understand me and encourage me through life...